Grey Divorce: Why Are So Many Couples Separating After Decades of Marriage?

Plus: A Substack Writer Recommendation

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Divorce In Later Life

The marriage vow ‘Till Death Us Do Part’ doesn’t always work out, one partner can call time on the marital arrangement before it reaches that stage. It’s happening more and more in older generations. It happened to me six years ago. My second marriage of twenty years wasn’t a bad marriage but I knew it was a mistake early on. One I wanted to rectify before it was too late. I’m not alone in this, apparently.

The Office for National Statistics in the UK reveals from censuses that marriage and divorce are on the rise at age sixty-five and over. The number of older people getting married went up by forty-six percent in a decade. This has been attributed to the post-war baby boomers making up twenty percent of the population and they are living longer.

Almost all the brides and grooms aged over sixty-five in 2014 were divorcees, widows, or widowers, and only eight percent were getting married for the first time. In the US, every third person who gets divorced is over 50, and one out of every ten people getting divorced is over 65.

It was during the boomers’ young adulthood that society’s attitude changed, and divorce lost its stigma, releasing women from outdated expectations of how they should live their lives. Studies show that around 70% of divorces are initiated by women, and boomers are more likely to divorce than other generations. They were more likely to divorce as young adults, and they have continued their divorce rates as they go into their older years.

Statistics reveal people are more likely to divorce within the first nine years of marriage, and remarriages are less likely to last. Mine was a remarriage. Both my marriages lasted for around 20 years, so I gave them a good try. I’ve been married for as long as many other baby boomers, just not to the same person.

In college, I had a course in Latin, and one day the word 'divorce' came up. I always figured it came from some root that meant 'divide.' In truth, it comes from 'divertere,' which means 'to divert.' I believe that. All divorce does is divert you. Mitch Albom, American Author.

Reasons For Divorce

The reasons for divorce are empty nest syndrome - couples finding that once the offspring leave home, they have little in common, financial issues as retirement looms, infidelity, and health problems. Research tells us that in marriages where the wife develops a chronic illness, the marriage is more likely to end in divorce than if the husband becomes ill or disabled. Also, as people are living longer, and in many cases, healthier lives, there may be a reluctance to stay in a marriage with a partner who no longer shares a vision of what life should/could be.

For older women, divorce can mean a hard time financially, as those over 50 and older experience a 45% decrease in living standards; for men it’s 21%. This implies that divorce is easier financially for men, whereas women find the emotional and practical side easier, as men are not as good at looking after themselves and keeping a network of friends to support them as women.

A study found that worries about finances and loneliness were the two most pressing concerns for a cohort of older divorced adults. However, important as money is, it’s not the be-all and end-all of life. It may be harder to find happiness when you’re struggling financially, but it’s not impossible.

I do not believe that there were more happy marriages before divorce became socially acceptable, that people tried harder, got through their rough times, and were better off. I believe that more people suffered. Ann Patchett American Author

The people in the study also expressed the positive aspects of their new single status, which included an overall sense of happiness and of independence and freedom. The ending of a marriage can mean a fresh start, a time to find new meaning in life. When we become newly divorced, there’s a time of readjustment in our role within our family and society.

Post Divorce

I found it harder to readjust after the ending of my first marriage when I was in my forties and had been a wife and mother of a growing family. There was a feeling of displacement to be shed, though I was the one who called time on the marriage. This sense of being adrift dissipated when I signed up to study psychology with The Open University, and became a volunteer counsellor for a women’s charity, as well as working. I wanted to learn why I had chosen to marry a man with the worst attributes of my mother, who had given me a very unhappy childhood. These new roles, student and counsellor, gave me an identity and a future.

As well as the search for a new identity or role in life, grief also plays a part in post-divorce feelings. The loss of what might have been or what should have been has to be worked through. After living with someone for a long time, there can be a sense of loneliness, of needing to find a new partner to fill that gap. I experienced this after my first divorce, but not so much after my second. My ex-husband is still a friend, and I have other friends and family, so even though I live alone, I don’t feel lonely.

One study into older divorcees found that within ten years of their divorce, 69% were still single. Statistics show that there are more older people living alone than ever before. I have older female friends who have partners they don’t live with. Most of them prefer it that way. Why this is, is probably worthy of another essay. There are dating agencies for older people who are looking for love, or to relieve their loneliness. For many, the need for a companion never leaves them.

Sadly there is an epidemic of loneliness in society, partly because of the large number of people in the older generations, many of whom are living alone, either through divorce, death of a spouse or never marrying. That, coupled with retirement, reduced mobility or age-related disability means a lot of people living alone who would choose not to be. In the UK, the NHS has an online page with suggestions on how to overcome loneliness.

I see this time alone as important to get to know myself on a deeper level. When you live with someone, you are always seeing yourself in reaction to them. If they bring out the best in you, there’s no problem. To be able to connect with the real me, I needed to have no one, every day showing me a version of myself I didn’t like. The negative inner voice from childhood has almost completely faded away.

To live, to err, to triumph, to re-create life out of life. James Joyce, Irish Author

Walking away from a marriage in your later years is a challenging prospect. But it can be a time of renewal and growth, a time to find new meaning and purpose in life. As women are better at living alone than men, it follows that there will be more women staying single after divorce, and statistics bear that out. They are more satisfied with their friendship networks, spend more time with family, and with activities they enjoy, like hobbies and volunteering. Men come out tops in the financial aspect and are more likely to find a new partner.

A Substack Recommendation

Dr Bronce Rice writes The Wellbeing Equation here on Substack and I’m a subscriber. Bronce has written a post about change which I think fits very well with the subject of divorce, as that is a time of great change. Read it here:

Designing Change and Making Different Choices in our Lives 🤔

I hope you enjoy it, find it helpful and will consider subscribing to the newsletter.

DISCUSSION

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