We sometimes choose partners unconsciously who aren’t right for us because it’s familiar and comfortable even though it makes us unhappy. Choosing partners who aren’t emotionally available echos a childhood with cold, critical, distant parents, and that’s what we know. Growth is working on ourselves to realize this, work on ourselves in order to make better choices.
Hi Barbara - Great observation! Familiarity often masquerades as compatibility, especially when we haven't yet brought earlier relational patterns into conscious awareness. In this scenario, we want to pay attention to how we seek to recreate unresolved emotional dynamics—not because they feel good, but because they feel known. There’s often a kind of unconscious hope embedded in this repetition: this time, maybe I can make it different.
The problem, of course, is that if we don’t recognize the pattern, we risk repeating the wound rather than repairing it. That’s why inner work is so essential. As you beautifully note, growth means learning to distinguish emotional safety from emotional familiarity—and to choose from a place of self-respect, rather than self-abandonment.
After a bit of time with the person, I want to help them explore why they have "chosen" the partner they have and help them understand what they are living out and what they are repeating for what reasons. Meaning, it's one thing for me to have a theory but how it plays out in reality is sometimes very different.
Thank you for highlighting my article Designing Change and Making Different Choices in Our Lives and for sharing it with your community. I’m grateful—and I really appreciated your own piece as well. It reminded me of some of the deeper reasons I’m on the path I am.
A little background may help connect the threads between your article, mine and the life behind them. When I left for college, my parents divorced—something that’s not uncommon at that stage of life. I’ve never married, don’t have children and have spent long stretches of my life solo. Now in midlife, I find myself in a LAT relationship—a good fit for who I am beneath the surface of ordinary living.
That early family rupture shaped me more than I could have known at the time. It continues to inform how I think about life, connection and what it means to consciously “go about our living” (pun intended). And Sarah Kate—there’s an important question you're asking in your post. It’s the kind of question I help others explore and one I return to again and again myself.
We humans are deeply patterned creatures—unconscious repetition runs through so much of what we do. That’s part of why designing true change, at the cellular and psychic level, is so difficult. And yet, as you so adroitly point out, Patricia—it’s still possible.
So I welcome any reflections or questions from you or your readers. And I’m going to think about how best to introduce you and your work to my own community. I believe the resonance is already there. :)
Thank you so much for commenting here. Divorce can spread its tendrils through the generations, as you found with that of your parentss. Those of us that have divorced worry about the affect on our children and grandchildren.
Sarah Kate's situation being so similar to one I was in brought up the question of why we make the choices of partners we make, and I know that our childhood conditioning has much to do with it. I thought of you when I was answering, as you could answer in so much more depth.
Thank you for offering to answer any questions my readers may have.
I do hope that if any of you reading this, have questions to put to Dr Bronce, please do so either here or through his own Substack.
By the way, Bronce - LAT? I have no idea what that means.
It stands for living apart together (LAT). I used to do couples therapy back in the day and I began to see more couples consciously choosing this as a lifestyle. I realized that is what fits me best at this phase in my life. It may change down the road, as I try to be flexible, but for now it works bettr than any previous relationship I've been in where I tried living together.
Yes, everyone, feel free to ask questions of me if you have any. It's what I help people do and look at.
Very thoughtful post. I find myself alone not because of divorce but death. One thing I have learnt is that a life skill we don’t understand or develop is the ability to live alone. Yes it can be lonely but so can living in a loveless marriage, I was lucky mine wasn’t, although I do remember how lonely the rough patches were. I learnt the ability to be alone as a child sometimes it is from the younger, and at times wiser, generations we can learn from. Xx
Thank you, Jo. I know you were thrust into being alone in a cruel way, so it must have been doubly hard for you. Easier for me, as it was by choice. I, too spent much time alone as a child and I think that helped me to be the independent-minded person I am. Some might say too independent-minded. Thank you for your input.
“I wanted to learn why I had chosen to marry a man with the worst attributes of my mother, who had given me a very unhappy childhood.” Damn Patricia, I am in shock because I didn’t realize this happened to other women. I’m 48 and in a very unhappy marriage to a frugal, right-wing, controlling male version of my narcissistic controlling mother. 😬
You are in exactly the position I was in, Sarah, unhappily married to a narcissist, as my mother was, and thinking I was the only person this had happened to. Once I started talking about it and not trying to hide the truth of my situation, I realised I was not alone. Why we choose a partner that continues the unhappiness of childhood lies in our subconscious conditioning as children. Narcissists have a lot to answer for. Thank you for sharing our common experience.
We sometimes choose partners unconsciously who aren’t right for us because it’s familiar and comfortable even though it makes us unhappy. Choosing partners who aren’t emotionally available echos a childhood with cold, critical, distant parents, and that’s what we know. Growth is working on ourselves to realize this, work on ourselves in order to make better choices.
Exactly this, Barbara: “work on ourselves in order to make better choices.” Thanks for your insight on this.
Hi Barbara - Great observation! Familiarity often masquerades as compatibility, especially when we haven't yet brought earlier relational patterns into conscious awareness. In this scenario, we want to pay attention to how we seek to recreate unresolved emotional dynamics—not because they feel good, but because they feel known. There’s often a kind of unconscious hope embedded in this repetition: this time, maybe I can make it different.
The problem, of course, is that if we don’t recognize the pattern, we risk repeating the wound rather than repairing it. That’s why inner work is so essential. As you beautifully note, growth means learning to distinguish emotional safety from emotional familiarity—and to choose from a place of self-respect, rather than self-abandonment.
After a bit of time with the person, I want to help them explore why they have "chosen" the partner they have and help them understand what they are living out and what they are repeating for what reasons. Meaning, it's one thing for me to have a theory but how it plays out in reality is sometimes very different.
Patricia —
Thank you for highlighting my article Designing Change and Making Different Choices in Our Lives and for sharing it with your community. I’m grateful—and I really appreciated your own piece as well. It reminded me of some of the deeper reasons I’m on the path I am.
A little background may help connect the threads between your article, mine and the life behind them. When I left for college, my parents divorced—something that’s not uncommon at that stage of life. I’ve never married, don’t have children and have spent long stretches of my life solo. Now in midlife, I find myself in a LAT relationship—a good fit for who I am beneath the surface of ordinary living.
That early family rupture shaped me more than I could have known at the time. It continues to inform how I think about life, connection and what it means to consciously “go about our living” (pun intended). And Sarah Kate—there’s an important question you're asking in your post. It’s the kind of question I help others explore and one I return to again and again myself.
We humans are deeply patterned creatures—unconscious repetition runs through so much of what we do. That’s part of why designing true change, at the cellular and psychic level, is so difficult. And yet, as you so adroitly point out, Patricia—it’s still possible.
So I welcome any reflections or questions from you or your readers. And I’m going to think about how best to introduce you and your work to my own community. I believe the resonance is already there. :)
Warmly,
Bronce
Hi Bronce,
Thank you so much for commenting here. Divorce can spread its tendrils through the generations, as you found with that of your parentss. Those of us that have divorced worry about the affect on our children and grandchildren.
Sarah Kate's situation being so similar to one I was in brought up the question of why we make the choices of partners we make, and I know that our childhood conditioning has much to do with it. I thought of you when I was answering, as you could answer in so much more depth.
Thank you for offering to answer any questions my readers may have.
I do hope that if any of you reading this, have questions to put to Dr Bronce, please do so either here or through his own Substack.
By the way, Bronce - LAT? I have no idea what that means.
All my best,
Patricia
Hi Patricia,
It stands for living apart together (LAT). I used to do couples therapy back in the day and I began to see more couples consciously choosing this as a lifestyle. I realized that is what fits me best at this phase in my life. It may change down the road, as I try to be flexible, but for now it works bettr than any previous relationship I've been in where I tried living together.
Yes, everyone, feel free to ask questions of me if you have any. It's what I help people do and look at.
Great article and topic for discussion.
Very thoughtful post. I find myself alone not because of divorce but death. One thing I have learnt is that a life skill we don’t understand or develop is the ability to live alone. Yes it can be lonely but so can living in a loveless marriage, I was lucky mine wasn’t, although I do remember how lonely the rough patches were. I learnt the ability to be alone as a child sometimes it is from the younger, and at times wiser, generations we can learn from. Xx
Thank you, Jo. I know you were thrust into being alone in a cruel way, so it must have been doubly hard for you. Easier for me, as it was by choice. I, too spent much time alone as a child and I think that helped me to be the independent-minded person I am. Some might say too independent-minded. Thank you for your input.
“I wanted to learn why I had chosen to marry a man with the worst attributes of my mother, who had given me a very unhappy childhood.” Damn Patricia, I am in shock because I didn’t realize this happened to other women. I’m 48 and in a very unhappy marriage to a frugal, right-wing, controlling male version of my narcissistic controlling mother. 😬
You are in exactly the position I was in, Sarah, unhappily married to a narcissist, as my mother was, and thinking I was the only person this had happened to. Once I started talking about it and not trying to hide the truth of my situation, I realised I was not alone. Why we choose a partner that continues the unhappiness of childhood lies in our subconscious conditioning as children. Narcissists have a lot to answer for. Thank you for sharing our common experience.
Interesting and informative as usual Patricia, thank you. I have thoughts to add but don’t feel able at the moment. Perhaps one day.
I'm glad you found it informative, Graham. I'd be interested in your thoughts when you're able to share them.