Big Changes, Endings and Beginnings

Nothing lasts forever

Welcome to a fortnightly newsletter for those aiming for a long health span, remaining positive and optimistic in the face of the changes ageing brings. I’ve spent the last 30 years following the science of putting that into practice. It’s paid off because I’m now fit and healthy, well into life’s second half, and continuing to learn how to live fully. I pass this knowledge on to you in posts, podcasts and sometimes, videos. Subscribe to my newsletter for access to them.

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Photo by Damon On Road on Unsplash

Big Changes, Endings and Beginnings

Change can be deeply unsettling at any age. The world we know feels safe. A new beginning means a step into unknown territory. How often over a lifetime do we have to face change? Don’t we prefer to stay in a situation that may not be happy, but we know the ropes, the limits, the pros and the cons? A new start might not work, and we might be unhappier than we are now. At least here we know what to expect, even if we are not entirely happy.

For fourteen years, as a volunteer counsellor for a free service for women, this situation would arise when a woman would bring an issue to their counselling session with me that made them unhappy, where an obvious change in their situation could improve their life. Maybe their marriage wasn’t working but they were determined to stay and try to make it work. Couples counselling was their best option, but they didn’t choose it. The fear of change kept them in their desperately unhappy marriages. Or, sometimes ending their miserable relationship would mean putting themselves first, something they were not used to doing.

Prior to this time of being involved in the charity, I had experienced all of this myself when my marriage became untenable, but I couldn’t bring myself to end it. The feeling of stepping into the unknown kept me there longer than I should have been. Of course, once I’d made the move and realised how much better life was, I wished I’d made it earlier.

The older you get and the more changes you experience, the more you learn not to fear change. Sometimes, though change is forced on you, you have no choice. The death of a spouse is, in most cases, a devastating situation where a new start has to be made without the support of a partner and with a new identity, that of a widow or widower, while in deep grief. Some of you in my Substack community have been in this difficult and heartrending situation.

Then there’s the empty nest syndrome. Getting used to being a different kind of parent, no longer hands-on and with absent children, is a hard shift to come to terms with. Often, a family-sized house is no longer necessary when the children have left home and they are self-sufficient. Saying goodbye to the home where you brought up your family is an emotional time for everyone, including the adult children losing their familiar family base.

The loss of parents brings about a change in who we feel we are. It’s a time of reassessment of our place in the world. We move up the generation ladder in the family and become the top layer when both parents have passed on.

Nothing lasts forever

A couple I know are in their seventies. They’ve been married since their early twenties and were childhood sweethearts. Health for both of them is failing and they are being asked to move by their family from their rural cottage to somewhere more easily accessible, so should they no longer be able to drive, they will be on a bus route or nearer to town. They put their house up for sale and it sold but they didn’t go through with the move. They can’t imagine living anywhere else, despite the pleas of their family to move nearer to them.

Being deprived of the enjoyment of the countryside with its birds and wildlife around the cottage is something they say they can’t envisage. I suspect it’s the fear of change that is the real reason. The only big change they made was many years ago to move to the area where they now live. They can’t remember how that change improved their lives. A move is seen as an ending to the life they know. But with an ending comes a new beginning, a fresh start.

Buddhists believe that change is inevitable because everything is impermanent. It’s a doctrine that teaches that everything changes and nothing lasts forever. Accepting this can make change easier.

Life is constantly shifting and evolving; sometimes we must accept change rather than resist it to find opportunities for self-growth. In The Marginalian, a weekly literary newsletter, Maria Popova’s article titled A Spell Against Stagnation: John O’Donohue on Beginnings, quotes the Irish poet and philosopher John O’Donohue (1956-2008),

Perhaps the art of harvesting the secret riches of our lives is best achieved when we place profound trust in the act of beginning. To live a truly creative life, we always need to cast a critical look at where we presently are, attempting always to discern where we have become stagnant and where new beginning might be ripening. There can be no growth if we do not remain open and vulnerable to what is new and different. I have never seen anyone take a risk for growth that was not rewarded a thousand times over.

Change and new beginnings offer a chance to move forward and start anew, inspiring personal growth. Excitement as well as anxiety can fill those times. It’s about letting go of the safety net of the familiar and risking novelty, the unknown. I hope my friends become able to take that risk and start a new life nearer to the family who love them and want to be there for them as their health continues to decline. Ultimately, of course, it’s their choice and they have to live with the consequences of whatever that will be.

Talking of change, when I first started my Substack, back in April 2023, I was publishing my newsletter every other Sunday. After about six months I changed that to weekly as I wasn’t growing my community very quickly. I saw amazing growth with the weekly newsletter. However, I’ve been struggling recently to fit in all that I want to do, specifically, painting. I want to get back into creating artwork, so I’ve decided to return to publishing my newsletter every other Sunday. The next one will therefore be sent out in two weeks. I hope you’ll bear with me in this change. It may be temporary, it may be permanent. Let’s see how it goes for both of us.

Join in the Comments:

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